COLUMN: The real qualifications for Pendergrass PD chief

Russell has long been a part of “the family” in Pendergrass. He was very vocal on the whistleblowers’ tapes about how his officers should always think of “the family” first.

Now, it looks like Russell has become a red-headed stepchild in “the family.” His power — if you can assume there is such a thing as “power” in tiny Pendergrass — has been cut by half. (Which makes one wonder; if the city had to fire four people to cut expenses, as the mayor claimed three weeks ago, how can it now afford to create this new position and also pay for the other new cop who was hired back this week as part of a legal settlement? Are they printing money in Pendergrass?)

Clipping Russell’s wings as a cop is a good thing; if POST ever does an investigation into him, he’d probably lose his certification anyway. (Reports indicate the entire department is out of POST compliance today.)

But who should replace Russell? According to the city’s advertising, they want a hot-shot cop to run the city’s department. Alas, the city’s solicitation for a new top-cop is incomplete. Here’s what Pendergrass’ help wanted ad should really say:

Wanted, an enforcer and fundraiser-in-chief. Must agree to bow to the religion of “the family;” butt-kissing a must. The right candidate will have no regard for civil rights, legal restraints or the judicial process. He (and it must be a “he” since a “she” wouldn’t fit into the sexist tone of the city) must make sure city officers are trolling Hwy. 129 and stopping as many Hispanic drivers as possible. (Except for those driving Mercedes; don’t stop Mercedes people because they complain too much.) Community policing — checking neighborhoods and stores — is forbidden because that doesn’t bring in revenue. And if Pendergrass does have a legitimate “crime” that requires investigation, your department is to ignore it and let the Jackson County Sheriff’s Office investigate so your cops can stay on the road writing tickets for the city bank account. In other words, you won’t be operating a real police department, just a little pretend department.

A new Pendergrass police chief must also be able to pull tickets out of the pile for friends of “the family.” There are just certain people whose pedigree is so uppity they shouldn’t get a ticket from Pendergrass.

In addition to running a small police force, a new chief will also have to be able to turn his head and keep quiet about financial abuses in city government. If the mayor wants to give away a city lawn mower, that’s OK. If the city administrator wants to buy a pair of $90 sandals on the city credit card, that’s considered a legitimate city expense. If the city wants to cheat on its SPLOST money, you aren’t to say anything. No questions are to be asked. Everything is for “the family” and is perfectly OK to do.

Finally, as Pendergrass’ police chief, you must have the ability to lie with a straight face. You should have the ability to deny anything and never admit to the truth, even when the truth is recorded on tape and you stand a chance of getting caught. If you do get caught, you should have the ability to continue to lie about it with an air of fake sincerity similar to a 3-year-old who gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar. For all of this, you will immediately receive the state’s worst police chief award, which currently hangs in city hall anyway.

If you meet all of these qualifications, please contact the grand master of “the family” in Pendergrass who will be happy to enslave, manipulate and control you for as long as your dignity can take such a beating. (Pendergrass is not an equal opportunity employer; if you don’t give your soul to “the family,” we won’t hire you.)

Mike Buffington is editor of The Jackson Herald. He can be reached at mike@mainstreetnews.com.